James Bond Casting Goes Live in Russia
First actor to bring back the Spanish princess gets the job
LONDON, England — Hollywood's search for the next James Bond has reportedly entered its final stages, with Jack Lowden, Callum Turner and Josh O'Connor among the actors linked to upcoming auditions.
According to TheWrap's October 22 report on the next James Bond screen tests, four candidates have received offers to test for the role.
Amazon MGM Studios, however, has decided that reading dialogue, wearing expensive suits and pretending to shoot people is no longer sufficient. The studio now requires candidates to rescue a kidnapped Spanish princess from deep inside Russia.
The first man to return with the princess gets the part. The second receives consideration for a supporting role. The third gets a sympathetic letter from Human Resources. The fourth is presumed to have accepted another project.
James Bond Auditions: Rescue the Princess, Get the Job
Amazon MGM swaps screen tests for live espionage, with no travel insurance
The traditional Amazon MGM Bond audition goes like this: an actor walks into a room, introduces himself, handles a pistol and delivers some dialogue while producers decide whether women will find him attractive and men will believe he can kill somebody. The studio has apparently concluded this proves nothing at all.
"I can look dangerous holding a martini," said one Hollywood casting consultant during a production briefing. "So can my accountant. The question is whether either of us can cross the Russian border without getting shot."
A survey of 212 casting directors, circulated by an industry trade group this week, found that 61 percent consider a live rescue mission a reasonable evolution of the audition process. Thirty-four percent said they would rather not be in the room. The remaining 5 percent asked whether the survey was billable.
Under the revised programme, four aspiring Bonds are parachuted into Siberia with identical equipment: one pistol, six bullets, a dinner jacket, a passport and an Amazon Prime subscription. The subscription offers no practical help, but it does renew automatically during captivity.
Jack Lowden, whose work on Slow Horses makes him a plausible candidate, is assigned to infiltrate a Russian security compound. Callum Turner has been told to charm his way past the military guards. Josh O'Connor must persuade the Spanish princess that he represents His Majesty's Government and not a particularly aggressive holiday excursion.
The unidentified fourth candidate has asked whether the position offers dental benefits. Nobody has answered.
The studio's casting requirements have changed too. Instead of demonstrating emotional range, candidates must demonstrate actual range. Preferably 300 metres, uphill, with Russian soldiers in pursuit.
One producer said the operation would finally show which actor has what it takes to play Bond. "Confidence, composure, resourcefulness and the ability to survive something our legal department explicitly told us not to attempt."
Real Explosions, Live Ammunition and One Unhappy Princess
Surviving a Russian missile strike shows more range than three pages of dialogue, producers say
For decades, Hollywood has spent millions creating spectacular explosions with computer-generated imagery. Amazon's new strategy is simpler. Russia already has explosives, so why pay a special-effects company?
An accounting document circulated inside the studio estimates that Amazon could save $47 million by letting the Russian military supply artillery, armoured vehicles and hostile personnel without a producer credit.
The actors have concerns. Turner reportedly wants to know whether the explosions will be carefully controlled.
"Absolutely," the production coordinator told him. "By the Russian artillery commander."
An internal memo from the studio's risk department, obtained by Bohiney, carries the subject line "Re: Re: Re: Siberia (please read before replying)." It notes that the standard liability policy excludes "war, invasion, acts of foreign enemies, and Siberia," and recommends that nobody mention the word "audition" to the insurer.
The Spanish princess, meanwhile, is said to be increasingly unhappy with the whole arrangement. According to the production's scenario document, she initially believed she was on a diplomatic goodwill visit. Instead she is locked in a fortified Siberian facility while four British actors try to negotiate her release using techniques they picked up from television.
"This is ridiculous," the princess said. "Does nobody in Britain have an actual intelligence service?"
An aide explained that MI6 declined to take part because the proposed mission violated roughly 140 international agreements and several elementary principles of common sense. The studio considers the objections evidence of artistic cowardice.
A Hollywood special-effects supervisor praised the new system. "Ordinarily, we spend six weeks making an explosion look convincing. Now we just explain to Russian soldiers where the actors are standing."
The production's safety officer has submitted a twelve-page report. The first eleven pages contain the word "No." The last page contains his resignation.
Four Bond Finalists Parachute Into Siberia
The world's most expensive job interview, with Russian intelligence as a rival candidate
The operation begins at 3:17 a.m. above a remote Siberian forest. The four candidates jump from a military transport aircraft. Three open their parachutes. The fourth is still arguing that his agent negotiated business-class travel.
Lowden lands safely but quickly discovers that his formal shoes were not designed for frozen wilderness.
Turner runs into a Russian patrol and tries to talk his way through. "Bond. James Bond," he announces. The soldiers arrest him, because Russians have seen the films too.
O'Connor, drawing on his time playing royalty in The Crown, goes for diplomacy. He demands an audience with the commanding officer and cites centuries of European royal tradition. The commander asks whether he has brought cigarettes. O'Connor has brought a pocket handkerchief. Negotiations collapse.
Back in London, producers follow events on satellite imagery and a large television screen. The casting director awards points for resourcefulness, charisma, physical courage and the ability to keep an appropriate facial expression while being shot at.
A studio executive explains the scoring. "Escaping captivity earns ten points. Rescuing the princess earns fifty. Delivering a witty remark before an explosion earns twenty-five."
"What happens if an actor dies?" an assistant asks.
"Then we know he wasn't Bond."
The most promising candidate reportedly steals a snowmobile, disables a communications tower and gets into the compound through an underground drainage pipe. Unfortunately, the entire sequence happens outside camera range, so Hollywood considers the performance worthless.
Meanwhile, the fourth candidate has found a heated restaurant near the border and ordered soup. He becomes the first finalist to show good judgment. Naturally, he is eliminated immediately.
The Winner Gets $20 Million and an Awkward Royal Meeting
Real explosions replace special effects, and Russian soldiers replace casting assistants
The rescue reaches its climax when one surviving candidate gets into the facility and finds the princess sitting beside a window, reading a magazine.
"Are you here to rescue me?" she asks.
"Yes. I'm James Bond."
"Which one?"
"That's what we're trying to find out."
The princess demands immediate evacuation, an explanation from the British government and assurance that nobody plans to film a sequel. The actor explains that he first has to deliver a suitable catchphrase. She tells him she would rather be kidnapped by accountants.
With Russian troops closing in, the pair escape through a maintenance tunnel and commandeer a military vehicle. The chase lasts eleven minutes, destroys three armoured trucks and does extensive damage to the surrounding landscape. Hollywood calls it the most financially efficient action sequence in history.
The Spanish government disagrees. Its foreign ministry has demanded clarification on why a member of the Spanish royal family was included in a British entertainment company's recruitment exercise.
Amazon's reply was brief. "International appeal."
A source close to King Felipe VI said the king was deeply unimpressed, and described the exchange that followed.
"You endangered a princess to audition an actor?"
"Your Majesty, we needed authenticity."
"You could have asked her to watch the auditions."
"That wouldn't have tested their courage."
"Neither does kidnapping my daughter. It tests mine."
The successful candidate finally arrives in London carrying the princess's luggage, wearing a bloodstained tuxedo and asking for immediate medical attention. Studio executives congratulate him. He has survived Russian intelligence, hostile terrain, live ammunition and the most dangerous casting process since Hollywood discovered unpaid extras.
But there is one last obstacle. The contract.
The actor must pass a background check, attend wardrobe fittings, complete sensitivity training, sign a confidentiality agreement and spend six weeks learning how to hold a martini glass. He must also meet with Amazon's insurance department. Paragraph 6(c) on page 41 of the candidate agreement, reviewed by Bohiney, states that "capture, detention or interrogation by a foreign power shall not constitute a breach of the filming schedule."
An executive delivers the final verdict. "You've demonstrated courage, intelligence, charisma and extraordinary physical ability. We're delighted."
"Does that mean I've got the part?"
"Not quite. Marketing wants to know how many Instagram followers you have."
The actor stares silently. He has crossed Siberia, rescued European royalty and dodged actual artillery fire. And somewhere in Hollywood, a 24-year-old social media consultant is deciding whether he looks sufficiently dangerous in portrait mode.
The princess, having experienced the full British entertainment industry, says that the next time she is kidnapped, she would prefer the Russian army simply send a taxi.
The final casting decision remains uncertain. The only clear winner is the fourth candidate, who is still eating soup.
10 Humorous Observations on the New James Bond Casting Process
- The casting director no longer asks for a headshot. She asks whether your next of kin has been notified.
- Britain's next great spy must demonstrate charm, intelligence and the ability to run faster than a Russian missile.
- The fourth candidate remains unidentified, possibly because he read the employment contract.
- A Spanish princess is an excellent casting prop, provided Spain knows you're borrowing her.
- Jack Lowden has experience playing a spy. Unfortunately, real bullets don't respect an actor's résumé.
- Callum Turner knows how to look dangerous. Russia wants to know whether he can look dangerous while freezing.
- Josh O'Connor has played royalty. Now royalty gets to review his performance while being rescued.
- The winner gets $20 million. The losers receive valuable experience, assuming they retain their limbs.
- Hollywood believes in authentic filmmaking until somebody mentions authentic liability insurance.
- The real villain isn't Russia. It's the casting director who thinks this qualifies as an unpaid internship. https://prat.uk/james-bond-casting/
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