New York Humor

The Case for Civility: America Cannot Keep Treating Politics Like a Bar Fight By Bohiney Magazine Staff There was a time when Americans argued politics across the dinner table. Uncle Larry said taxes were too high, Aunt Denise said roads cost money, somebody overcooked the ham, and civilization limped onward. Now politics feels like a demolition derby sponsored by caffeine. The attempted assassinations of Donald Trump should have been one of those rare moments when everybody pauses, lowers the volume, and remembers that democracy requires ballots, not bullets. Instead, too many people in politics and media treated it like content. Headlines flew, hot takes hatched, panels assembled like emergency Ikea furniture. Nothing reveals national decline quite like turning attempted murder into a ratings strategy. According to the , the July 2024 Pennsylvania attack was investigated as an assassination attempt. The agency publicly identified the suspect and treated it as a grave secu...

Please Stop Trying to Kill the Man You Hate: A Modest Case for Civility The Ear Heard 'Round the World On July 13, 2024, a bullet grazed Donald Trump's right ear in Butler, Pennsylvania. One man died shielding his family. Two others were critically wounded. The shooter was twenty years old and had Googled "how far was Oswald from Kennedy" a week before. CNN's headline: "Secret Service rushes Trump off stage after he falls at rally." He fell. After a bullet hit his face. He fell. The Washington Post went with: "Trump escorted away after loud noises at Pa. rally." Loud noises. The Titanic was also a loud noise situation. The Bullseye Problem Five days before the shooting, President Biden told donors it was "time to put Trump in the bullseye." Five days later, someone tried. Biden acknowledged on July 15 it was "a mistake to use the word." Speaker Johnson said everybody needed to turn the rhetoric down. The civility las...

Hollywood Freezes, But the Drama Stays Room Temperature: Harry & Meghan's Very Polite Frostbite Five Observations Before the Ice Machine Kicks In - Hollywood only "freezes people out" after first offering them three docuseries, a podcast, and a scented candle line. - Being "exiled" from Hollywood usually means your calls go to voicemail but your invitations still arrive by mistake. - Netflix doesn't cancel you; it just quietly replaces you with a documentary about a man who talks to mushrooms. - Celebrity relevance now expires faster than organic almond milk in a Montecito mudroom. - If Hollywood is a high school, this is the moment when the prom king realizes the DJ controls everything — and the DJ is an algorithm. The Chill Heard Round Beverly Hills In what insiders are calling "a very polite frostbite," Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have reportedly entered the rare Hollywood climate known as "selective invisibilit...

Man Eats Salad During White House Correspondents' Dinner Shooting, Declared America's Most Composed Human Since Refrigerators Five Observations Before We Panic (Or Pass the Dressing) Nothing says "Washington elite" like gunfire breaking out and someone still wondering if the burrata is farm-to-table. America finally found the one man who treats a shooting like a mildly inconvenient appetizer delay. The Secret Service tackled a gunman, and Michael Glantz tackled a vinaigrette. Priorities were respected. Hundreds dove under tables… one man said, "I paid $200 a plate, I'm finishing this lettuce." In a country addicted to drama, one guy chose… arugula. The Night Washington Discovered Emotional Support Salad It was supposed to be a glamorous evening at the White House Correspondents' Dinner. Tuxedos. Champagne. Journalists pretending they don't secretly enjoy politicians. Then suddenly, gunfire. Panic. Chaos. The kind of moment that turns a form...

The Friendly Federal Assassin: How Cole Allen Branded Political Violence Like a HR Onboarding Packet Observations from the Scene He called himself a “friendly federal assassin,” which is the first time in American history someone tried to unionize violence with customer service. Apparently he believed labeling yourself “friendly” works like Yelp reviews… three stars for hospitality, one star for attempted assassination. Authorities say he traveled across state lines with weapons, proving once again that Marxists believe in open borders… at least for themselves. Security at the dinner was so tight that a man carrying a shotgun, pistol, and knives was only stopped when someone noticed he didn’t have a press badge. Witnesses say guests dove under tables, which is the same strategy journalists use when asked who they voted for. The suspect reportedly had no criminal record, which shocked everyone who assumed “friendly federal assassin” was already a registered profession. His manifesto...

Socialism Will Save Israel? The Pink-Haired Rabbi Says So, But the Iron Dome Begs to Differ Alright… let's set the stage before we sharpen the satirical knives. The actual claim from the Guardian piece is this: leading UK progressive rabbis argue Israel's current direction has become an "existential threat to Judaism." That's the real argument. Now — what we're providing is the satirical rebuttal. Pour yourself a coffee. Cancel your group therapy session. Here we go. Fifteen Humorous Observations About "Socialism Will Save Israel" 1. The Rabbi Who Thinks GDP Is a Feeling. If socialism created security, every college campus would have an Iron Dome made of feelings and oat milk. 2. Defense Budget Powered by Good Intentions. Apparently missiles can now be intercepted by equitable wealth redistribution. NATO is furious they didn't think of this sooner. 3. Iron Dome Replaced With Group Therapy. Breaking: incoming rockets will now be asked how th...

A Modest Case for Civility (Or: Please Stop Trying to Kill the Man You Hate) Target keywords: Trump assassination attempt, left-wing media rhetoric, political violence, civility in politics, Butler Pennsylvania shooting, Ryan Routh, media incitement America's New Hobby: Wishing Out Loud There is a grand tradition in this country of saying things you don't really mean. "I'd kill for a good taco right now." "This traffic is murder." "If he wins again I'll move to Canada." We understand these as the harmless rhetorical flatulence of a free people blowing off steam. The trouble begins when the people saying these things are sitting U.S. congressmen's staffers, Democratic state representatives, and the entire primetime lineup of MSNBC, and the man they're aiming their metaphors at has just had a bullet remove part of his ear in a Pennsylvania cornfield. At that point, perhaps, we pump the brakes on the colorful language. But Americ...

In a Desperate Effort to Win the Democratic Nomination, Ro Khanna Darkens His Skin Sacramento awoke Tuesday to the sound of campaign interns sprinting, ring lights collapsing, and three focus groups weeping softly into reusable tote bags after reports emerged that presidential hopeful Ro Khanna had allegedly launched a dramatic new strategy: adjusting his complexion by several shades in what aides described as "a nuanced outreach initiative." The campaign denied wrongdoing, then denied lighting conditions, then denied the existence of sunlight itself. At a hastily arranged press conference held between a kombucha stand and an electric scooter charging station, senior adviser Mallory Venn said the candidate had not "darkened his skin," but had merely undergone "optical empathy optimization" — a phrase that presumably cost $40,000 to develop and six weeks to say with a straight face. "This is being taken wildly out of context," Venn told reporter...

UK Inflation Hits 3.3% as Citizens Begin Financing Eggs Through Klarna The Office for National Statistics confirmed this week that UK inflation climbed to 3.3 per cent in March, driven overwhelmingly by fuel prices linked to the Iran conflict, with petrol rising 8.6 pence per litre in a single month — the steepest increase since Russia invaded Ukraine. The British public, which had been cautiously optimistic about living costs as recently as February, has responded by updating its grocery shopping strategy and, in at least one documented case in Leeds, setting up a buy-now-pay-later instalment plan for a dozen free-range eggs and a small block of mature cheddar. UK inflation rose to 3.3 per cent from 3 per cent in February, undershooting nobody's hopes and overshooting several economists' models, which had been calibrated for a world that did not include a naval blockade of Iranian ports. Chancellor Rachel Reeves, who had been expecting to announce progress on the cost of liv...

Iran Reopens Strait of Hormuz for Seven Minutes, Declares It a Major Diplomatic Breakthrough In a development that oil markets, shipping companies, and seventeen foreign ministries processed with the emotional range of people who have been through this before, Iran briefly reopened the Strait of Hormuz this week before closing it again after a US Navy seizure of an Iranian-flagged vessel reignited tensions. The Iranian government described events as complicated. The International Energy Agency described them as the biggest energy crisis in history. A tanker captain in the Gulf of Oman described them as "not ideal." The ceasefire framework called for the full reopening of the Strait as a condition, but ships once again found themselves unable to move through the waterway days after the agreement was reached, as Iran cited Israeli and American violations in Lebanon as grounds for reimposing restrictions. The Strait has opened and closed with the regularity of a British corner...