New York Humor

Study Finds Country Music Career Much Harder When Country Fans Actually Notice You Martina McBride Discovers America Elected Donald Trump, Immediately Calls Her Agent NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE — A groundbreaking new study from the Institute for Advanced Celebrity Consequences has found that maintaining a successful country music career becomes significantly more difficult once country music fans begin paying attention to what country music stars actually say. The study was released shortly after Martina McBride withdrew from a Freedom 250 celebration event, reportedly concluding that a national celebration of America's 250th birthday might contain an uncomfortable amount of America. Researchers described the discovery as one of the most shocking developments in entertainment history, ranking somewhere between the invention of fire and the realization that paychecks come with audiences attached. "For decades, country artists operated under the assumption that audiences were only...

Morris Katz Discovers the Hardest Truth in Politics: Sometimes the Accountability You Demand Comes With Your Own Name On It NEW YORK CITY — Marxist strategist Morris Katz reportedly spent the weekend absorbing one of the cruelest lessons the trade has to offer, which is that the people who spend years demanding accountability occasionally trip over a live wire and discover it themselves. According to reporting from the Bangor Daily News, Katz allegedly leaned on a former campaign aide tied to Maine Senate candidate Graham Platner's sexting controversy, turning an already awkward scandal into a master class in how to multiply your problems without breaking a sweat. Political observers described the situation as the left's version of accidentally setting your own Prius on fire while lecturing a stranger about emissions standards. The fire, for the record, was not carbon neutral. Katz, a strategist closely associated with Marxist campaigns and tightly linked to New York Mayor Zo...

Spencer Pratt Discovers Los Angeles' Fastest-Growing Industry Is Studying Homelessness Instead Of Ending It Mayoral Candidate Accidentally Asks The One Question City Hall Has Spent Ten Years Avoiding LOS ANGELES — Los Angeles mayoral candidate Spencer Pratt has once again committed the unforgivable crime of asking where all the money went. The former reality television star, who somehow woke up one morning and found himself competing for the most impossible job in America, recently argued that much of Los Angeles' homelessness crisis has become a profitable ecosystem for consultants, contractors, nonprofits, task forces, advisory boards, steering committees, oversight committees overseeing oversight committees, and PowerPoint presentations that cost roughly the GDP of a small island nation. According to Pratt, many people sleeping on Los Angeles streets did not originate in Los Angeles and have been drawn there by a sprawling network of incentives that somehow manages to sp...

Democrat Discovers Explaining Marxism Slowly To Texans May Not Be A Winning Statewide Message Candidate Confident Voters Will Embrace Redistribution Once He Finds The Right Slide Deck AUSTIN, Texas — The Texas Senate race between James Talarico and Ken Paxton is already turning ugly, and James Talarico has settled on a bold theory of the case: Texans haven't rejected his politics, they simply haven't had it explained patiently enough. According to The Texas Tribune, Talarico opened with the line "I have a legislative record — Ken Paxton has a criminal record," apparently unaware that to most Texas voters a legislative record reads like a list of things that got more expensive. Political analysts say Talarico faces a unique challenge. He must convince millions of Texans that a seminary-trained former middle school teacher from Austin knows how to run their lives better than they do. He calls this "public service." Everyone outside the 512 area code calls ...

Becerra Surges After Voters Mistake Him For Responsible Adult Poll Shows Californians Increasingly Interested In Candidate Who Appears Capable Of Completing Basic Household Tasks SACRAMENTO, CALIFORNIA — In a shocking development that has left political consultants, billionaire donors, campaign strategists, and several cable news panels openly sobbing into their reusable coffee mugs, Xavier Becerra has surged to the top of California's gubernatorial race after voters reportedly mistook him for a responsible adult. Political scientists say the phenomenon began when several voters accidentally watched a full interview with Becerra and noticed that he appeared capable of answering questions without shouting, threatening democracy, promising free unicorns, or launching a cryptocurrency. "We were just trying to find someone who might fix a pothole," said Sacramento resident Denise Waller. "Then this guy started talking about actual government programs. It scared us at...

Democrats Finally Discover Character Matters After Nominating Guy Who Tested The Theory Party That Spent Decade Explaining Why Personal Conduct Was Complicated Suddenly Remembers It Exists AUGUSTA, MAINE — Democratic leaders across the country reportedly spent Monday rediscovering the concept of character after revelations surrounding a Maine Senate candidate transformed what was supposed to be a straightforward midterm race into what one strategist described as "a live-action ethics exam we forgot to study for." For years, political consultants have insisted that voters care primarily about healthcare, taxes, economic opportunity, and whether a candidate can pronounce "infrastructure" without sounding confused. This week, however, Democrats made the startling discovery that voters occasionally notice the candidate. "It turns out people ask questions," said Democratic strategist Paige Worthington while frantically deleting several old social media post...