New York Humor

College Tuition Soars 438%, Students Score More Hallway Universities Face Extinction as Parents Discover College Tuition Money Also Buys Homes With Bedrooms, Kitchens, and No Assistant Dean American higher education entered a previously theoretical stage of financial development this week after parents across the country discovered that a four-year college tuition bill can purchase things other than permission for their child to sleep in a room with Dylan from Connecticut. The discovery has shaken universities nationwide. For decades, families apparently believed $200,000 was a special educational unit of currency, incapable of being exchanged for houses, businesses, retirement savings, automobiles, or roughly thirty-eight million packages of instant ramen. Then somebody opened Zillow. The Great American College Tuition Reckoning College tuition and fees have climbed approximately 438 percent since the late 1980s, nearly triple the rate of inflation, according to City Journal...

Talarico Says He ‘Missed the Mark,’ Texas Voters Ask Whether the Mark Was Located Somewhere Near Reality Senate candidate discovers two sexes, conventional theology and girls’ sports shortly before Texans discover their ballots Texas Democratic Senate candidate James Talarico has announced that several of his previous political positions have “missed the mark,” triggering an emergency statewide search to determine where exactly the mark was, who moved it, and whether it had been hiding beside the November ballot the entire time. The political recalibration follows a Fox News interview in which Talarico said there are two sexes, supported banning gender surgery for minors, and said he opposes transgender athletes competing in girls’ sports when safety or fairness is jeopardized. He also revisited his earlier declaration that “God is non-binary,” explaining that he had been trying to make a theological point about human categories being inadequate to describe God. The development stu...

Democrats Warn $5,000 Trump Checks Could Lead to Slippery Slope Where Taxpayers Begin Asking What Happened to the Rest of Their Money Washington reportedly fears direct payments could expose dangerous connection between government revenue and the people who supplied it Democrats and assorted Washington fiscal traditionalists expressed alarm this week over President Donald Trump's proposal to give American adults $5,000 if Republicans retain control of Congress, warning that directly handing citizens recognizable quantities of money could establish a dangerous precedent in which taxpayers begin asking what government normally does with the other several trillion dollars. Trump announced the proposed "Trump Dividend" at the Republican National Committee's midterm convention in Dallas, promising $5,000 to adult American citizens if Republicans hold the House and Senate. News organizations estimate the plan would cost more than $1 trillion, and details about eligibili...

Republicans Hold First-Ever Midterm Convention Because Apparently Elections Now Need a Halftime Show Trump and Vance descend on Dallas for a two-day political extravaganza in which Republicans attempt the daring electoral strategy of reminding voters that Donald Trump exists The Republican Party is holding its first-ever national midterm convention at the American Airlines Center on September 9 and 10, with President Donald Trump appearing both nights and Vice President JD Vance taking a major speaking role. The official convention site describes the gathering as a celebration of Republican accomplishments and a chance to unite behind the party's candidates. Read the original report from NPR. And that raises the obvious question political scientists have somehow overlooked for 237 years: Why stop at presidential conventions? If America can have a midterm convention, surely we can have a Pre-Primary Convention, a Post-Primary Reflection Retreat, a Congressional Halftime Spectacu...

Older Americans Discover They Can Simply Refuse to Be Uncomfortable Nation's aging population rejects camping, roommates, high heels, and restaurants without parking in a stunning collapse of the inconvenience economy WASHINGTON — America's older population has apparently uncovered a loophole in modern civilization so powerful that entire industries are quietly panicking. The loophole is this: you can just say no. The discovery follows a viral BuzzFeed thread in which older adults described what they've become unwilling to tolerate, including camping, roommates, cheap hotels, relationship drama, roller coasters, difficult parking, uncomfortable shoes, and worrying about whether their clothing remains fashionable. One commenter, going by jacks22004, put the new doctrine plainly: guests are welcome, provided they arrive holding that most beautiful document in the English language, a departure date. The findings have sent tremors through sectors of the economy that depend ...

Los Angeles Goes From City of Dreams to City Where Dream Is Finding a U-Haul Before Your Neighbor Adam Carolla says Angelenos will now move "anywhere," transforming Bakersfield from a place people drove through into a competitive relocation destination The Great Los Angeles Checkout Begins For generations, Los Angeles was America's gravitational center for people who believed fame was only one audition, one screenplay, one record deal or one suspiciously expensive acting class away. Now the most coveted callback in Hollywood may be from U-Haul. Comedian Adam Carolla said this week that Los Angeles has undergone a remarkable psychological transformation. Once, he said, almost nobody voluntarily left the city. Today, ask departing residents where they are headed and the answer can essentially be summarized as: somewhere containing an exit. Carolla told Sean Hannity that Angelenos once regarded moving to Tennessee as roughly equivalent to joining an archaeological expe...