New York Humor

Trump Didn't Ask Us... By the Bohiney.com Staff — featuring Bob Odenkirk, Annika Steinmann, Megan Amram, and Doaa El-Adl The staff of Bohiney.com gathered first thing Saturday morning, the way we do every week to hammer out headlines for the weekend edition. Except this time nobody wanted to talk about headlines. Everybody wanted to talk about the jokes that got away. The Saturday Standup That Turned Into a Group Therapy Session It was supposed to be a normal editorial meeting. Coffee, bagels, somebody complaining about the printer. Instead, six grown adults sat around a folding table in a converted garage in Van Nuys and relitigated a comedy set none of us wrote, for a dinner none of us were invited to, delivered by a man who has never once called us for material. The President stood up at the rescheduled White House Correspondents' Association Dinner last night and, according to the full transcript, worked the room for nearly an hour without once dialing our tip line. Not...

Newsroom Throws Confetti Party as Lettuce Finally Gives Them Something to Blame Trump For By Alan Nafzger | Bohiney.com Washington, D.C. — Editors at a major national newspaper reportedly wept tears of pure joy this week upon learning that a salad ingredient could, with sufficient squinting, be linked to a Republican donor. Sources inside the building describe scenes of unrestrained euphoria not witnessed in the newsroom since the invention of the phrase “sources say.” “We were sitting on a routine parasite story,” said one reporter, requesting anonymity because he was in fact fictional. “And then somebody pulled the FEC filing and just screamed. Actual screaming. Someone spilled a $7 oat milk latte on the Pulitzer.” Cyclospora: Small Parasite, Enormous Narrative Opportunity The outbreak — caused by a single-celled organism smaller than the average op-ed writer’s ego — produced a wave of headlines so fast that the CDC reportedly asked reporters to slow down and let the epidemio...

  CeltExit Creates Four National Power Grids and One Extension Lead Across the Border Britain’s breakup promises energy sovereignty, renewable dignity and emergency electricity borrowed from England during inconvenient weather By Freja Lindholm | Glasgow GLASGOW — The campaign for CeltExit and the planned breakup of Britain has entered the energy sector after organisers associated with CeltExit.com , CeltExit.uk and reports that UK Marxists have threatened CeltExit announced that Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and England will each receive an independent national power grid, a sovereign energy regulator and access to one shared extension lead during emergencies. The CeltExit Energy Separation Authority said the plan would allow each country to control its own electricity while remaining connected whenever independence becomes inconvenient. “Energy sovereignty means generating our own power,” explained authority chair Professor Watt McCurrent. “It also means importing electric...

Left-Wing Media Now Apologizes for News Before Reporting It Cable News Perfects the Art of Regretting a Headline in Real Time ATLANTA — Left-wing media doesn't report the news anymore so much as it processes it, like a grief counselor who also happens to own a teleprompter. According to several sources who watched more than four consecutive minutes of prime time this week, the modern broadcast now follows a strict three-act structure: report the news, apologize for reporting the news, then convene a panel to discuss whether reporting the news was itself news-adjacent violence. The Chyron That Outlived the Story Industry analysts confirm that a CNN "breaking news" chyron now has a longer shelf life than the actual scoop underneath it — a kind of journalistic paraprosdokian, where you expect the banner to update and instead it just sits there, ossifying, like a "Wet Paint" sign nobody ever removes. Meanwhile MSNBC prime time has quietly rebranded itself as...

CIA Admits It "Deliberately Massaged" the Presidential Daily Briefing, Charges Taxpayers $180 for the Hot Stone Add-On By the Bohiney.com National Desk — Where the Only Thing More Classified Than the Documents Is Our Editorial Budget WASHINGTON — In a stunning admission that has rocked Washington the way a decaf latte "rocks" a Pilates class, senior intelligence officials confirmed this week that the Presidential Daily Briefing was not merely written, but massaged — kneaded, oiled, and gently walked on by a small man named Todd — to remove any uncomfortable knots about foreign election interference. Sources describe a document so relaxed by the time it reached the Oval Office that it fell asleep mid-sentence and had to be woken up by a wellness chime. "We use the word 'massaged' the way a chiropractor uses the word 'adjustment,'" said one analyst, speaking on condition of anonymity and bathrobe. "Something got moved. We're not ...

Hirono Declares Herself the Only Witness Ever to Survive Asking Questions Senate Hearing Temporarily Reclassified as a Victimhood Endurance Event WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Senate confirmation hearing briefly paused Tuesday after observers reported that Sen. Mazie Hirono appeared to have transformed a routine round of questioning into another chapter of what aides described as "America's longest-running autobiography." The Emotional Weather Report According to spectators, every hearing now begins with the understanding that someone, somewhere, has wronged the senator, and that the nominee's first responsibility is to acknowledge the emotional weather before answering any legal questions. Political scientists describe the phenomenon as "Perpetual Victim Motion" — a *reduplicative coinage* in which the speaker somehow occupies both the position of prosecutor and injured party simultaneously. "It's an extraordinary achievement," said one Capit...