New York Humor

OpenAI chief says idle RAM belongs in data centres LONDON, England — Sam Altman has identified the greatest threat facing modern civilisation. It isn't nuclear war, economic collapse or the possibility that the British government might attempt to organise something. It's a man in Birmingham who owns a computer, has installed artificial intelligence on it and has stopped paying a monthly subscription. The OpenAI chief executive has questioned the efficiency of running AI models on personal machines, arguing that scarce computer memory would be better used in centralised data centres. Britain, which once taught schoolchildren to programme on machines with less memory than an electric toothbrush, has taken the news badly. Told that Altman considered his RAM underused, Malcolm Pritchard, 72, a retired electrical engineer from Coventry, said: "He can come round and mow my bloody lawn more efficiently while he's at it." Beneath the argument about memory sits an old qu...

Prosperity is visible from the kitchen but absent from inside it TOWER HAMLETS, LONDON - Parents responding to the childhood inequalities covered by the Evening Standard have asked whether proximity to enormous wealth might eventually include a practical benefit beyond being able to identify which building contains it. Child Poverty in Tower Hamlets at 50.3 Per Cent The reported child poverty rate in Tower Hamlets is 50.3 per cent. Several families said the figure appeared to conflict with the confidence of nearby marketing materials, which regularly describe the area as a place where possibilities are limitless. "Possibilities are very well provided for," said father of three Imran. "It is dinner that keeps requiring a smaller, more specific arrangement." His daughter can see illuminated offices from her bedroom. Teachers have encouraged her to regard them as symbols of ambition. She would also like to regard the kitchen light as something the family can leav...

Asks Who Approved Such an Outdated Policy LONDON - Meghan Markle has reportedly encountered an alarming constitutional principle under which her father, Thomas Markle Sr., remains innocent until proven guilty, despite the existence of allegations, eight years of family estrangement and an exceptionally serious statement from the Duchess of Sussex. The controversy follows an October 23, 2026, InStyle report on the Markle family allegations and possible royal distancing, which examined fresh accusations against Thomas Markle Sr. and speculation about what they mean for the Sussexes. Authorities in the Philippines are investigating allegations involving child sexual abuse material reportedly discovered among belongings associated with the 82-year-old former television lighting director. His son, Thomas Markle Jr., reported the alleged discovery. Thomas Markle Sr. has emphatically denied wrongdoing, describing the accusations as lies. No court has established his guilt. That last point h...

British agriculture faces crisis after vegetables are told to stop posing for social media. CHESHIRE, 19 October 2026. A Cheshire farm shop has introduced restrictions on daytime photography after becoming a popular destination for social media influencers, leaving thousands of aspiring internet celebrities facing the horrifying possibility that pumpkins may exist for purposes other than improving their personal brands. The Hollies Farm Shop Restricts Photography Between 10am and 4pm The Hollies farm shop has restricted photography and filming between 10am and 4pm following growing interest from content creators. According to The Guardian's report on businesses restricting influencer photoshoots, similar restrictions are appearing at hotels, restaurants and tourist attractions. The decision has raised fundamental questions about the future of British agriculture. For centuries, farmers believed pumpkins were grown for food, decoration and the occasional terrifying Halloween d...

Flowers Out, Press Conferences In FLORIDA, October 24, 2026 - Thomas Markle, 82, recovering from serious medical problems in a Florida care facility, has discovered that growing old in the Markle family is considerably more complicated than growing old in almost any other family on Earth. According to The Independent's reporting on the latest Markle family controversy, his son Thomas Markle Jr. has reported allegations involving suspected child sexual abuse material to authorities in the Philippines. His daughter Samantha has publicly disputed the accusations, while his estranged daughter Meghan has issued a statement expressing distress and discussing concerns dating back to 2018. Thomas Markle Sr. emphatically denies the allegations. The Philippine Department of Justice says it is investigating, and Reuters reports that no charges had been announced as of October 23. For an 82-year-old man recovering from serious health problems, it is a rather ambitious family communications s...

A $20 weekly raise has economists calling meetings. WASHINGTON, October 24, 2026 - The Federal Reserve has identified a potentially catastrophic threat to the American economy: ordinary working people receiving enough money to improve their lives. After years of inflation, expensive energy, punishing mortgage rates and declining purchasing power, the country's monetary authorities are increasingly concerned that workers might demand compensation for the inconvenience of becoming poorer. According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, consumer prices rose 3.7% over the 12 months through September, well above the Fed's 2% target. Gasoline alone jumped 9.1% in a single month. For workers, that means every paycheck buys a little less than the last one. For central bankers, it means the disturbing possibility that somebody in Dayton might ask for a raise to cover it. The Fed's latest concerns suggest America has built an extraordinary system in which higher prices are an unfortun...

The King opened a parliament while his son visited a food bank CARDIFF, WALES, October 19, 2026 - King Charles III performed one of the monarchy's most important constitutional duties on October 15 by attending the ceremonial opening of the seventh Senedd in Cardiff, accompanied by Queen Camilla, while Prince Harry conducted a competing programme of public engagements in Nottingham that reportedly required substantially fewer trumpets. The King addressed the Welsh Parliament, met elected representatives and participated in ceremonies celebrating Wales's political institutions. Meanwhile, Harry visited charities working with young people and struggling families. The coincidence has created a remarkable constitutional dilemma. One member of the Royal Family was helping to celebrate a democratic legislature through an ancient hereditary office. Another was visiting community organisations without exercising any hereditary authority whatsoever. It was immediately unclear which ac...

Westminster guarantees universal access to being called a priority WESTMINSTER, LONDON - Ministers have responded to the childhood disparities examined by the Evening Standard with a national pledge that no disadvantaged child will be overlooked when the government next needs a compelling opening paragraph. The Equal Visibility Guarantee for Disadvantaged Children The new Equal Visibility Guarantee will ensure children in struggling communities enjoy the same opportunity to be counted, categorised and represented by a small orange shape on a presentation slide. "For too long, some children have faced barriers while others have enjoyed advantages," a policy spokesman said. "Today we end that inconsistency by giving every barrier a consistent font." From Evidence to Launch Event The scheme follows extensive discussions about how to turn evidence into action. Officials settled on turning it into a launch event first, because action required several department...