New York Humor

Cheaper Than Divorce, With Less Conversation LONDON - Britain has enthusiastically embraced the international phenomenon of quiet quitting marriage, discovering that couples can stop loving one another without the expense, inconvenience or unpleasant emotional openness associated with divorce. Under the increasingly discussed arrangement, husbands and wives remain legally married while conducting separate emotional lives, occasionally gathering in the kitchen to negotiate access to the kettle. The development has been welcomed as a natural evolution in British relationships, where communicating one's true feelings has traditionally been regarded as an unnecessary American activity. Britons have spent centuries perfecting the art of suffering in silence. Now somebody has given it a fashionable psychological name. "We get on very well," said Graham Pettifer, 61, of Reading, who has not been asked a personal question since the Jubilee. "She does me a tea every morning...

Algorithm accused of smelling payday WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Federal Trade Commission has asked nine major companies how they use personal information when setting prices and payments, raising an awkward question for American capitalism: Is a gallon of milk worth more when the customer looks like somebody who just received a final notice from the electric company? What the FTC Wants to Know About Personalized Pricing The inquiry covers airlines, rideshare services, delivery companies and retailers, including Delta, United, Uber, Walmart and Target. According to the FTC's October 28 announcement, the agency issued special orders under Section 6(b) and wants to know whether data about customers can influence what they pay. In America, this is considered a scandal only because customers found out the companies may have been doing mathematics without inviting them. Until recently, shopping involved three parties: the buyer, the seller and the cashier quietly judging a man's pu...

Christmas Pudding Receives Better Protection Than Britain's Borders British Government Deploys Armed Guards, Surveillance Drones and Round-the-Clock Intelligence Officers to Protect £12 Dessert While Border Force Asks Whether It Can Borrow the Fridge's Security Budget By Our Home Affairs Correspondent prat.uk LONDON — The British government is facing questions over its national security priorities after spending £4 million protecting a royal Christmas pudding while officials at the Home Office reportedly discovered that the dessert enjoys better security arrangements than several government buildings. The pudding, currently housed inside a specially reinforced refrigerator, enjoys continuous surveillance, biometric identification, two armed guards and a dedicated intelligence officer whose sole responsibility is preventing unauthorised access to the brandy butter. By contrast, a Border Force officer requesting a replacement office kettle was informed that the matter require...

Congress Weighs Pig Therapy After Britain Moves on CO2 Stunning WASHINGTON, D.C. — Britain is considering phasing out carbon dioxide stunning for pigs, prompting American officials to investigate whether the nation's breakfast meats have been suffering from emotional neglect. Under the British proposal announced October 26, slaughterhouses would replace CO₂ stunning, currently used for approximately 90 percent of British pigs, with alternatives such as argon gas or electrical stunning. The transition could take two or three years, assuming the government can complete its consultations before the pigs develop opposable thumbs. The consultation closes December 21. Washington immediately recognized an opportunity. America has spent decades trying to make slaughter more humane. Congress has spent decades trying to make legislation less humane. Finally, the two industries have something to discuss. The Humane Methods of Slaughter Act has governed American slaughterhouses since 1958, a...

Chancellor Declares Victory Over Marmalade Tariffs WESTMINSTER: Chancellor John Healey has unveiled welcome relief for Britain's hard-pressed households: cheaper gherkins. Treasury Cuts Import Tariffs on More Than 100 Food Products With families battling housing costs, energy bills and the price of an ordinary shopping basket, the Treasury has identified a powerful economic lever previously overlooked by every Nobel laureate: removing the import tariff on a pickled cucumber. According to the government's announcement, the duty on gherkins stands at 12 per cent. The package suspends tariffs on more than 100 products, including baked beans, marmalade, garlic, sweets and chocolate-covered wafers. The Treasury estimates its food-tariff measures, taken together with earlier cuts, could reduce household grocery costs by up to about £21 a year. Across the whole country, it puts the combined effect of this package and June's at somewhere between £245 million and £595 million ...

Whitehall Orders Men to Stop Having Unlicensed Opinions LONDON, England — Britain has discovered a terrifying new public health emergency. It isn't cancer, tuberculosis, obesity or the possibility of dying of old age while waiting for an NHS appointment. It's men talking to other men. According to a report published in The Lancet and covered by The Guardian, the online manosphere should be treated as a public health problem, comparable in its approach to smoking and obesity. The authors recommend coordinated action across government, education and health services. Laura Bates and a co-chair of the Lancet Commission on Gender and Global Health made much the same case at a Global 50/50 event in Cambridge, where the phrase "public health risk" was repeated often enough to qualify as a chant. This is splendid news for Britain's progressive establishment, which has spent decades searching for a medical explanation for men disagreeing with it. Until now, a British man...

Alicia Liberty and the Royal Christmas Betrayal Columnist Tells Beatrice and Eugenie to Disown Mum by Dinner LONDON, England — Christmas has traditionally been a time for families to come together, forgive old grievances and remember that however embarrassing your relatives may be, at least you didn't marry them for their money. But Daily Express commentator Alicia Liberty has proposed a remarkable new tradition. Princesses Beatrice and Eugenie should publicly distance themselves from their mother, Sarah Ferguson, and prove their family values by treating family membership as a potentially fatal career mistake. In her October 30 opinion column, Liberty argued that the sisters should publicly separate themselves from their mother while continuing to love her privately. It's a fascinating distinction. You may love your mother, provided nobody catches you doing it. You may telephone her, but preferably from an undisclosed location. And should you accidentally embrace her in pu...