Filling Tank Now Includes Credit Check, Solicitor and Cooling-Off Period
LONDON. Britain's diesel motorists are facing severe fuel-price pressure amid international supply disruption, with reports warning prices could approach £2 a litre.
The current squeeze is linked to reduced refining capacity and geopolitical disruption. Guardian report on Britain's diesel-price crisis More national absurdity can be found at UK Satirical News.
There was a time when filling the car involved stopping at a petrol station.
Now it feels like completing a property transaction.
"Pump four?"
"Yes."
"Excellent. We'll need three months of bank statements."
The driver inserts the nozzle.
A mortgage adviser appears from behind the crisps.
"How long were you planning to keep the diesel?"
"I was hoping until Birmingham."
"Ambitious."
Fuel-price signs once existed to tell motorists how much petrol cost.
Now they function as roadside jump scares.
You are driving peacefully.
You glance left.
£1.97.
Suddenly everybody in the vehicle becomes an economist.
"Don't accelerate."
"I'm doing thirty."
"Do twenty-eight."
"We're on the motorway."
"Coast."
Britons have developed extraordinary rituals around expensive fuel.
People drive seven miles to save 2p per litre, using £4 worth of diesel to achieve a theoretical saving of £1.30.
Then they return home delighted.
"I beat them."
Nobody knows who "them" is.
Probably mathematics.
Diesel is particularly important because it powers commercial transport, agriculture and much of the machinery responsible for putting things where other things need them.
When diesel rises, almost everything transported using diesel becomes more expensive.
Which is inconvenient because Britain's economy involves transporting nearly everything.
Supermarkets do not grow yoghurt behind aisle six.
A farmer seeing diesel prices rise knows eventually someone in London will describe the resulting food inflation as "surprising."
This is the traditional economic food chain.
Oil problem.
Refinery problem.
Truck problem.
Shop problem.
Consumer problem.
Television presenter: "Why are eggs doing this?"
Drivers of large diesel vehicles are adapting fastest.
Range Rover owners now pull into forecourts with the solemn expression of gamblers approaching a roulette table.
"£30 on pump seven."
"That should get you to pump eight."
Some filling stations may need airport-style financing desks.
"Would you like to pay for your tank today, sir?"
"Good heavens, no."
"Excellent. Our 36-month fuel plan begins at competitive rates."
Complimentary coffee will be discontinued.
The coffee now costs less than what you spilled reversing in.
Rural residents face a harder problem because many genuinely depend on cars, vans and agricultural machinery.
Telling someone living miles from public transport to "drive less" is excellent advice if they are prepared to become a tree.
Urban policy occasionally forgets Britain extends beyond streets containing Pret.
But high fuel prices do produce creative innovation.
Car-sharing suddenly becomes attractive.
"Where are you going?"
"Leeds."
"I'm going Bristol."
"Close enough. Get in."
Eventually Britons may return to horses.
Not because of environmental targets.
Because hay has stopped displaying a price ending in .9.
The Treasury will immediately notice.
Within six months there will be Horse Duty, Saddle Duty and a Congestion Neigh Zone requiring every animal entering central London to register its emissions.
That is when the horse will finally understand why everyone looked miserable at the petrol station.
Britain can survive expensive diesel.
It has survived worse.
But the national Sunday drive may need rebranding.
Soon it will be called wealth management. https://prat.uk/?p=49129
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