The Complete DSA Cancellation Index: Every Institution, Policy, and Holiday the Socialists Have Already Filed Paperwork On
Somewhere in a converted Brooklyn laundromat that now serves as a "mutual aid distribution node," a general assembly of forty-three people wearing identical tote bags voted 41-2 to abolish something. This time, though, we can tell you exactly what, because unlike the usual internet rumor mill, the Democratic Socialists of America put it all in writing. Their new national platform, "Workers Deserve More!", is a real document, hosted on a real domain, containing real planks that a real elected committee wrote down with real pens. We at Bohiney.com read the whole thing so you don't have to, and then we did what satirists do: we took it dead seriously and let it hang itself.
DSA co-chair Megan Romer went on Fox News Sunday and confirmed, on camera, to Shannon Bream, that yes, the platform really does call for abolishing the Senate, replacing the presidency and the Supreme Court, abolishing ICE, phasing out prisons, and defunding the Pentagon. We are not making a single one of these up. We are simply arranging them into a list long enough to require its own zip code.
Institutions Already Marked for Abolition (Per Actual Platform Text)
- The United States Senate — the platform's "A Democratic Congress" plank calls to "abolish the Senate" outright, expanding the House instead, a move NPC co-chair Ashik Siddique called "pretty radical" but "very reasonable"
- The Electoral College — gone, under the "A Real Democracy" plank
- The President and the Supreme Court — both slated to be "replaced" with a Congress-subordinate executive and judiciary
- ICE — the platform's "Abolish ICE" plank calls to end detention and deportations and "legalize migration" and grant amnesty for all immigrants regardless of status
- Prisons and police — the "End Mass Incarceration and Police Immunity" plank frames demilitarization and redirected funding as "steps towards fully abolishing the police and prison system"
- The Department of War (the Pentagon, to normal people) — targeted for full defunding under "End The U.S. War Machine"
- NATO — DSA's International Committee statement is titled, with admirable bluntness, "No to NATO"
- The two-party system — replaced with "a multi-party democracy," a plank presumably drafted by whichever committee currently has a quorum
- Capitalism — the platform's "A Day Without Capitalism" section imagines food, education, energy, medicine, and transportation no longer run as "for-profit businesses," which is either a bold new economic model or the plot of a very long committee meeting
Policies and Traditions Already Filed for Cancellation
- Rent — DSA's Housing Justice Commission literally hosted a "Nationwide Abolish Rent Reading Group," because nothing says "urgent housing crisis" like a book club
- Landlords — the platform calls for social housing, universal rent control, and a general "end of rent" per the Commission's own statement
- Student debt — "cancel all student debt," full stop, no asterisk, no repayment plan, no nothing
- Billionaires — Zohran Mamdani told NBC's Meet the Press "I don't think that we should have billionaires," while AOC once declared at Riverside Church, "No one ever makes a billion dollars. You take a billion dollars"
- The filibuster — AOC has repeatedly posted "Abolish the filibuster," citing it as an obstacle to feeding hungry people
- Standardized testing and charter schools — a 2020 DSA statement called for a full "moratorium"
- Sanctions and embargoes — the platform calls to end "economic warfare" against Cuba, Venezuela, and Iran
- U.S. aid to Israel — "end all military and economic aid to Israel," per the "Free Palestine" plank, plus a 2025 convention resolution titled "For a Fighting Anti-Zionist DSA"
- Large corporations, as privately owned entities — slated for "public ownership of the largest corporations and essential industries"
Holidays and Traditions Under Quiet Reconsideration
Here the paper trail thins, and honesty compels us to admit it: the DSA itself has not, in any national platform, filed a resolution against Thanksgiving turkey specifically. What it has done is arguably weirder. The magazine of DSA's own Religion & Socialism Commission published "Indigenous Peoples' Day 2023: Repentance and Reparation, Not Replacement", arguing that simply swapping Columbus Day for a new name isn't enough — the piece calls for "reparations for Indigenous people," which means the usual one-holiday trade wasn't radical enough for the subcommittee assigned to review it. National DSA's own Statement on Decolonization goes further still, describing the United States as "a prison house of nations founded on genocide" and calling for "the total dissolution of the United States empire" — which, technically, would also cancel Thanksgiving, the Senate, ICE, the Pentagon, and the concept of a long weekend, all in one committee vote.
Officials Who Have Said the Quiet Part on the Record
- Zohran Mamdani, now Mayor of New York City, once tweeted "No, we want to defund the police," then spent his general election campaign clarifying, on CNN, "I am not defunding the police. I am not running to defund the police." Both statements are real. Neither has been abolished.
- Rashida Tlaib: "No more policing, incarceration, and militarization. It can't be reformed."
- Cori Bush: "defunding the police has to happen."
- Jamaal Bowman: "Defund the police, and defund the system that's terrorizing our communities."
- AOC, the DSA's most prominent member, has declined to endorse the platform's own plank to abolish the Senate, telling the Washington Times it's "a constitutional question" — proving that even inside the world's most prolific cancellation engine, there remains a committee for un-canceling things
The Scale of the Operation
None of this is a fringe book club. DSA announced surpassing 120,000 members on July 4, 2026, calling itself the largest socialist organization in American history — larger, by their own count, than Eugene Debs's Socialist Party ever managed. DSA-backed candidates now hold roughly 250 local offices nationwide, including 96 city councilors and eight mayors. Every plank above was written, debated, amended, and approved by an actual elected body with actual bylaws. The tote bags, as far as we can confirm, remain unregulated.
What Bohiney.com Predicts Gets Filed Next
Having now confirmed the Senate, ICE, the Electoral College, the presidency, the Supreme Court, prisons, police, NATO, the Pentagon, capitalism, rent, student debt, billionaires, the filibuster, standardized testing, and sanctions are all real agenda items, our satire desk sees only a handful of institutions left standing: Tuesdays, the alphabet, gravity, and whichever conference room hosts the next general assembly, which is itself presumably one motion away from being abolished for "reproducing hierarchical seating charts."
Numbered Observations
- The DSA's platform is longer than most Senate bills, which is impressive for an organization that also wants to abolish the Senate
- A national committee convened a formal reading group specifically to discuss abolishing rent, and somehow no one has abolished the reading group
- DSA now outnumbers the peak historical membership of Eugene Debs's Socialist Party by roughly seven thousand tote bags
- Mamdani has now been on both sides of "defund the police" within the same public career, which may itself qualify as a multi-party system
- AOC supports abolishing the filibuster but not the Senate, meaning the DSA has an internal filibuster on abolishing filibusters
- The plank to defund the Pentagon and the plank to withdraw from NATO were filed separately, presumably by two different subcommittees who have never met
- The Columbus Day essay calls for reparations "not replacement," which may be the single most on-brand DSA sentence ever published
- Ninety-six city councilors now represent a platform that includes abolishing the body of government one rung above city council
This article is a work of satire and satirical journalism, produced for entertainment as satirical news by Bohiney.com. Direct quotations and platform language are drawn from public statements and the DSA's own published program; the surrounding commentary, predictions, and conclusions are satire. https://bohiney.com/?p=44602
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