Trump Prepares For International Curtsy Crisis As California, Canada And Buckingham Palace Dispute Ownership Of One Five-Year-Old


White House Officials Fear Princess Lilibet May Trigger First Anglo-American Etiquette Emergency Since Someone Put Ketchup On Yorkshire Pudding


WASHINGTON – Diplomatic experts are reportedly preparing contingency plans for what they describe as the most dangerous curtsy-related standoff of the modern era. The trigger: reports that Princess Lilibet could someday reunite with King Charles and Queen Camilla and be expected to follow centuries-old royal protocol. There is also a folding chair involved. Nobody can explain the folding chair.

According to palace traditions discussed in outlets like The List, members of the Royal Family are expected to bow or curtsy to senior royals during formal occasions. The official line from the Palace itself is a little softer than that, which is exactly the kind of bureaucratic wiggle room that makes diplomats nervous.

Unfortunately, officials fear they are dealing with three entirely different civilizations crammed into one child's spring break schedule.

King Charles reportedly believes Lilibet is royalty. Meghan allegedly insists she's practically Canadian. Lilibet, according to family insiders, allegedly regards herself as a Californian, and therefore assumes all authority figures should be addressed with phrases like "Whatever, Grandpa," usually while holding a juice box like a scepter.

Meanwhile, President Donald Trump reportedly summarized the matter during an imaginary Cabinet briefing that ran four minutes longer than the actual briefing.

"Americans don't curtsy," Trump supposedly declared. "We threw tea into a harbor over less paperwork. We don't kneel unless somebody drops a golf ball."

State Department officials immediately upgraded the situation to DEFCON Curtsy. The intern who came up with that name has since been promoted, demoted, and promoted again.


Experts Fear Child Could Accidentally Create Constitutional Crisis

Royal historians note that curtsying has been standard practice for centuries, though even the Royal Family's own website admits there's no actual obligatory code of behavior involved, which is the most British sentence ever produced by a government website.

Californians, meanwhile, have spent decades training children to negotiate with parents, teachers, dentists, and Labradoodles as equals. This does not transfer cleanly to a four-hundred-year-old line of succession.

"This child may possess three identities simultaneously," explained Professor Margaret Puddlethorpe of the Institute for International Grandparent Studies, who keeps a small cot in her office for emergencies exactly like this one.

"She's technically royal, culturally Californian, and spiritually Canadian. That's enough conflicting software to freeze Windows. We've already lost two interns to the paperwork."

According to observers, Buckingham Palace staff have been rehearsing multiple scenarios, none of which involve a printer that works on the first try.

Scenario One involves a traditional curtsy. Scenario Two involves a polite wave. Scenario Three involves Lilibet announcing she identifies primarily as a surfer, which nobody on staff is prepared to dispute. Scenario Four, described internally as "Operation TikTok," assumes she asks King Charles whether he can do the Griddy. Rehearsals for Scenario Four have not gone well. The corgis got involved at one point and nobody has fully explained why.


Canadians Remain Confused About Why They're Involved


Canadian citizens have reportedly reacted with bewilderment after being informed they might somehow share responsibility for a royal curtsy dispute they did not sign up for and did not, as far as anyone can tell, cause.

"We gave the world hockey and maple syrup," said Ontario resident Brenda McKenzie, who was reached for comment near a Tim Hortons that has since closed for renovations unrelated to this story. "We didn't realize we were also exporting constitutional ambiguity."

Prime Ministerial scholars noted that Canadians themselves remain divided over whether they bow to royalty, nod politely, or simply apologize for existing in the general vicinity of a castle.

One Toronto resident admitted, with some embarrassment, "I'd probably curtsy by accident just to avoid awkwardness. It's basically a reflex at this point, like holding a door."


Californians Believe Grandpa Is Just Another Family Influencer


Meanwhile, sociologists say children raised in Southern California possess a fundamentally different understanding of authority than children raised literally anywhere near an actual throne.

Dr. Skip Hernandez of UCLA's Department of Celebrity Anthropology explained it this way: "To Californians, castles are basically Airbnbs with branding opportunities." He warned that Lilibet might reasonably assume Buckingham Palace is "Grandpa's content house," and that staff should prepare accordingly.

"There's a genuine possibility she asks why Grandpa Charles doesn't have a YouTube channel," Hernandez added, before excusing himself to take a call about something completely unrelated to this story.


Trump Administration Allegedly Drafts Emergency Evacuation Plan


Sources close to absolutely nobody say White House planners have already prepared several options should the reunion become awkward, which several planners apparently consider a near certainty.

Option A involves pretending Americans don't understand curtsies. Option B involves claiming all movements below the waist violate certain constitutional principles, a theory that has not survived contact with an actual constitutional scholar. Option C reportedly consists of distracting everyone with cheeseburgers, which remains the most bipartisan item on the list.

An unnamed source imagined Trump saying, "Look, if Canadians want to curtsy, that's their business. Californians already bow to yoga instructors. But Americans? We invented standing."


Palace Employees Brace For Questions


Veteran palace workers are said to be preparing for inevitable inquiries. Why are there guards wearing fuzzy hats. Can we order pizza. Is this castle haunted. Does Grandpa have Wi-Fi. Who keeps putting horses everywhere.

One butler allegedly admitted that answering questions from tourists is easier than explaining hereditary monarchy to a five-year-old raised near Hollywood. "She's liable to ask why Grandpa became king without winning a reality show," he said, polishing something that did not need polishing.


British Public Divided


Pollsters from the Royal Society of Mild Panic found 31 percent support a traditional curtsy, 27 percent support a friendly hug, 19 percent recommend finger guns, and 11 percent suggest everyone just go to Disneyland. The remaining respondents thought Charles was already living at Disneyland, and two of them asked not to be corrected.

Pub philosopher Nigel Crump offered his own solution over what witnesses described as his third pint. "If she's Californian, let her fist-bump the King. If she's Canadian, let her apologize afterward. If she's American, she'll probably ask where the gift shop is."


Buckingham Palace Hoping Nobody Mentions Politics

Palace insiders reportedly hope any reunion focuses on birthdays rather than geopolitics, a hope that has historically not survived contact with this particular family.

One exhausted aide summarized the challenge. "We have one grandfather, one queen, one American president, one Canadian identity, one Californian childhood and four hundred years of protocol. Frankly, we'd settle for everybody surviving tea without launching a podcast."

By press time, King Charles was reportedly practicing grandfatherly greetings while Lilibet's generation had already moved on to more important questions, including whether castles have swimming pools and why nobody has taught the corgis to fetch Uber Eats.

For official guidance on greeting a member of the Royal Family, the Royal Household's own protocol page remains the closest thing to an instruction manual: royal.uk's official greeting protocol.

Princess Lilibet Diana Mountbatten-Windsor is the daughter of Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex, and Meghan, Duchess of Sussex, and is a great-grandchild of the late Queen Elizabeth II. She holds a place in the line of succession and has largely been raised in California, where the family has lived since stepping back from royal duties in 2020. King Charles III remains the reigning monarch, with Queen Camilla as his consort.

For more royal-adjacent confusion, satire, and questionable diplomatic strategy, visit our sister publication The London Prat.

Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!

This satirical article is the work of two collaborators: a tenured professor well past the age most people retire, and a philosophy major who now spends his mornings milking cows instead of debating Kant. Any resemblance to actual diplomatic incidents, constitutional crises, or confused grandfathers with castles is purely coincidental. https://bohiney.com/international-curtsy-crisis/