Obama Center: An $850 Million Cathedral of Champagne Marxism


Presidential Center Celebrates Grassroots Activism, Global Elites, Celebrity Billionaires, And Other Ordinary Working People


CHICAGO, Illinois — Former President Barack Obama and former First Lady Michelle Obama opened the Obama Presidential Center this week, describing it as a beacon of hope, civic engagement, and democratic values. Critics immediately translated this into modern political language: "a really expensive building explaining why other people should have less stuff."

The $850 million complex includes museums, gardens, public spaces, athletic facilities, educational programs, and enough inspirational messaging to power a thousand graduate theses in Critical Studies of Hope.


A Beacon Of Hope, Brought To You By Eight-Figure Book Deals

Supporters say the Center promotes citizenship.

Critics say it promotes the fascinating theory that capitalism is evil, except when it generates speaking fees, Netflix contracts, book advances, foundation donations, real-estate appreciation, and presidential-center gift shops. It is, in short, Marxism with a coat check. From each according to his ability, to each according to his streaming residuals.

Visitors entering the facility are greeted by exhibits celebrating activism, community organizing, social justice, and change. According to several observers, the only thing missing is an exhibit explaining how America's most successful socialists always seem to own waterfront property. The dialectic, it turns out, has a lovely view of the lake.


When Class Struggle Comes With Lakefront Footage


"It's inspiring," said local resident Frank Muldoon. "Most Marxists spend their lives denouncing wealth. These guys managed to denounce wealth and accumulate it. That's efficiency."

Lewis Black, asked for comment, reportedly turned a shade of crimson normally reserved for revolutionary banners. "They built a temple to abolishing private property," he said, "and the gift shop takes Apple Pay. The means of production are right there, behind the register, next to the tote bags."

The grand opening attracted celebrities, billionaires, media executives, foreign leaders, and former presidents. Bruce Springsteen, Bono, Oprah Winfrey, Tom Hanks, George Lucas, and numerous political figures attended the event.

Political scientists described the gathering as "the world's largest collection of people who explain inequality from private jets." Somewhere, Karl Marx adjusted in his grave, presumably to make room for the valet parking.


Seizing The Means Of Merchandising

The Center's mission is to inspire citizens to create change.

This immediately raised concerns among economists, who worried Americans might accidentally discover that "creating change" is easier after securing an eight-figure publishing deal. Workers of the world unite, but check the tote-bag inventory first.

One exhibit reportedly explores the promise of democracy and civic participation.

Another unofficial exhibit consists of visitors staring at the gift-shop prices and experiencing the realities of market economics. The lanyards run a brisk $24. The hoodies move faster than the working class ever did. And the irony, mercifully, is free.

Obama's speech emphasized citizenship, democracy, and the responsibilities Americans share.

Conservative observers noted that every presidential center eventually becomes a monument to the idea that government should do more, while somehow never becoming a monument to balancing budgets. Big government builds shrines to itself. It just never builds the receipt.


Obamas Open $850 Million Monument To Prove Marxism Works Best After Becoming Multi-Millionaires


A Cathedral Of Progressive Nostalgia


"It's not really a presidential library," explained local philosopher Earl Benson. "It's a cathedral of progressive nostalgia. Medieval kings built castles. Modern politicians build museums explaining why they were right."

The Obama Foundation describes the campus as a place where people can be inspired to believe in their power to create change.

Skeptics pointed out that many visitors would settle for creating enough change to afford parking. The proletariat are warmly welcomed. Parking is $35. Solidarity ends at the gate arm.


The Library Where The Library Is Somewhere Else


The Center is also notable because it does not actually contain the physical Obama presidential archives. Those records are maintained digitally and by the National Archives elsewhere.

This makes it the first presidential library where the library is mostly somewhere else. Norm Macdonald might've appreciated the structure of it. The great thing about a classless museum, he'd note, is that somebody still ends up with all the class, and the books are filed in a server farm in another state.

Architects call this innovation.

Taxpayers call it "the cloud."


Hope, Now Available In Multiple Sizes

The opening ceremony, covered extensively by national outlets reporting on the $850 million campus, featured repeated references to hope.

Indeed, hope appeared everywhere.

Hope on banners.

Hope on signs.

Hope in speeches.

Hope in commemorative merchandise.

Hope available in multiple sizes at the gift shop.

Analysts estimate hope currently costs $39.95 plus shipping. Karl Marx promised the workers would seize the means of production. He never mentioned the means of production would seize $39.95 right back, plus a handling fee.

Meanwhile, visitors wandered through exhibits celebrating collective action while simultaneously checking stock portfolios, investment accounts, and rising Chicago property values. The class struggle, it seems, is going great. The portfolios are going greater.

"It's a beautiful contradiction," said one attendee. "The Center teaches that material wealth isn't the answer, from inside an $850 million structure funded by people who clearly disagreed."


Capitalism Builds The Monument To Anti-Capitalism


As evening fell, celebrities sang, politicians applauded, and dignitaries praised the Center as a symbol of progress and inclusion.

Outside, several construction workers quietly admired the building and reflected that capitalism had once again completed another major project for people who enjoy criticizing capitalism. They'd poured the concrete for the revolution. The revolution had a soft opening and a ribbon-cutting.

By the end of the ceremony, organizers declared the Center a permanent home for hope.

Historians remain divided.

Some see it as a monument to civic engagement.

Others see it as a monument to Barack Obama's legacy.

A third group sees it as the world's largest physical reminder that socialism is much easier to advocate after you've become extraordinarily successful in a capitalist economy. The workers may yet rise. For now they're rising at 6 a.m. to beat the parking surge.

If you enjoyed watching the bourgeoisie throw a party for the proletariat it can't seem to stop outbidding, our cousins across the pond cover their own gilded hypocrites with equal affection over at The London Prat.

Disclaimer: This is a work of American satirical journalism. The characters, quotations, and conclusions here are comic exaggeration, written to skewer the powerful rather than to report on them. Bohiney.com practices the lost art of American satire, a craft kept alive through the human collaboration of the world's oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No Marxists were redistributed in the making of this article. Auf Wiedersehen, amigo!

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